Will some one read and give me feed back on my writing awful with words need help?
May 20, 2010 by: nickadmin Describe 3 Specific Claims or Main Points
The first claim I plan to pursue is the differential effects on youth from actively playing violent video games. I will share research survey study on a total of 1,254 students, aged average from twelve to fourteen with assistant from 500 parents on violent video playing. Children actively played violent video games for about three weeks. Three weeks later result lead to the development of aggressive attitudes and an increase in bullying and aggressive behavior toward classmates. Parents notice the different in children behavior and studies shows that playing these games lead to lower grades in school.
The second claim is why all violent video games should be pulled off all video games shelves. First, they affect the mind of all humans that does not know how to rightfully divide facts from fiction. Second, violent video games give players obsession that may allow participation in end result violent crimes. Third, there no rules, regulating or guidelines in violent video game therefore they should not be available to minors.
The third claim is the two most popular number one selling games are violent games,
do parent know what type of video games they purchasing? Is there more to violent video games than most peoples know? My answer to first question is no, parent have not taken the time to research the type of video games they purchase their children. I would say yes there is more to violent video games than any of us would know. Grand theft auto is one of world most popular game sold today. It first week for sale it sold over 6,000,000 copies world -wide. That alone tells me parents are not aware of the major effect violent game has over children. Research shows Grand theft auto is a game that makes peoples want to shot cops and steal cars. A fellow classmate share with me an experience she witness after she saw her husband playing Grand theft auto, she stated her husband stole a car and assault another individual.
Most of it sounds like bullshit, but it might just be cause I hate statistics. They’re just a bunch of numbers that don’t gurantee anything. If you could provide some citation, I think that would help. Give your paper some substatinial proof, where did your get your sources from and such.
I don’t think you are awful with words, you just need to keep a little structure in mind for what you’re writing. You included excellent detail and substatiation for your main points.
What I saw was you need a clear Introduction and Thesis Statement before you MAKE your main points. (You didn’t indicate the title of your class, but most instructors value good construction in writing.)
Introduction-Tell them what you are going to tell them (in a way to make them curious & capture attention)
Body-Tell them (including details…i.e. at least 3 paragraphs, one for each main point).
Conclusion-Summarize what you told them. (I try to do one clear conclusive sentence for each Body paragraph.)
So, for example, in the beginning (Intro) you could ask a question to feed into the importance of your main topic…”When you think of video games, do you think of ‘violence’?” (Thesis) This speech (paper) will reveal the high incidence of violence in video games and show the violent effect on their players, resulting in violent crimes and demonstrate that the violent games are the best sellers in the market.
I hope you get an ‘A’ on your paper, your content was quite interesting.
You need to cut down on unnecessary words, like differential when effects is suffice, also average when you have already given a range. Less is more when writing so be clear and you will be read and understood.
When I looked at your essay proposal, expecting a question, my brain interpreted the entire passage as white noise. One task for you is to learn to take an objective view of your work as a member of your audience, and use that view to try and increase your clarity. All I got from your passage before losing focus was that you want to study the effects of violent video games on people. The rest just got lost in a release of endorphins that resulted from me looking away for a moment.